


Under Your Skin

by STARSdidathing



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Feels, Fluff, Happy Ending, Insecurity, Jotunn | Frost Giant, Loki (Marvel) Angst, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Post-Avengers (2012), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is a good boyfriend, Unspecified Setting, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 18:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15846639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/STARSdidathing/pseuds/STARSdidathing
Summary: Loki hadn't meant to keep it a secret from Tony. He hadn't meant to trick his lover into laying with a monster. But how could Loki show his true form to Tony when Loki could barely look at it himself?





	Under Your Skin

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea for a while and finally got a chance a few weeks ago to get out some Loki feels regarding his jotun form. I hope you like it! :D

_Have you shown him your true form?_

The questioned haunted Loki. It stuck in his mind, tensed his shoulders and made him grit his teeth. He had snarled at Thor when the Aesir had quietly asked him about it. Thor had been worried and tentative, fearful of bringing it up but feeling that it needed to be said if Loki was planning to give Tony a golden apple.

Loki had been so _furious_ with Thor that he had wanted to attack him; to beat him bloody until the words could be erased. 

But regardless of the angry shouts Loki had levelled at his brother, causing the Aesir to flee from Stark Tower in the face of his rage and impending violence - the thought still ate at Loki. It consumed him, because Loki _hadn’t_ shown Tony his other form. He’d... he’d never even considered it. He had barely looked at himself in his true skin since discovering it; the thought, the memory, the _reminder_ of it made his skin crawl and so he had pushed it away. 

The monster that lurked beneath.

The monster that Tony unknowingly took to his bed, committed himself to and _loved_. It made guilt fester within Loki. Tony didn’t know the truth. He knew Loki was of the Jotnar, that he was _adopted_ but Tony knew nothing else of what that meant. It made Loki feel ill to acknowledge. It also found him standing in front of the mirror in their bathroom, staring and trying to make himself call on his true skin – to see how long he could stand it before making himself look away.

But if he couldn’t stomach the sight, how could Tony? How could his mortal stay with and _choose_ him if he knew?

... But to allow Tony to bind to him and never know the truth would be far crueller and Loki couldn’t do that to his love. 

Yet, the thought of going through with it made worry, terror and _pain_ erupt in Loki’s chest until he felt he could barely breathe. How could he expect Tony to remain after he had seen what Loki truly was?

He couldn’t. Tony _wouldn’t_.

Loki was certain Tony would recoil from him in horror. 

Tony might still attempt to smile and say everything was fine, that it made no difference as long as he wore his illusion, but Loki would know it was a lie. Loki would watch as Tony’s touch faltered, his eyes flickered away and his affection faded. Tony would be unable to remain with him; unable to love the monster.

And Loki could not pretend, not _forget_ that any longer. Thor’s words had shattered his own perfect illusion. Thor want to help him, but had instead done the opposite, Thor had _doomed_ him. Because his lovely Tony, his years of happiness with his mad, brilliant engineer and the eternity Loki had dared to believe could be spent with his love - it was all crumbling to dust around him.

There was nothing he could do and no hope to hold onto; Tony might have accepted his proposal, might have promised him eternity and made Loki so... so _happy_ \- but it was all over. It was _lost_.

Loki had to give Tony up, and it was enough to break his heart.

He couldn’t even pretend, not when guilt was forming - building strong enough to cripple him. It was corrosive, and it meant that when Tony found him in the bathroom hours later and tried to touch him, he violently flinched away from his lover.

Tony’s eyes had flown wide, his hand hovering in the air as Loki dragged up remorseful eyes to look at his lover through the mirror. Tony’s face just shifted into sympathy as he lowered his hand. 

“Bad memories?” he asked gently, his voice full of understanding. “Do you want to talk? Or I can put something distracting on the TV?”

Loki closed his eyes and bowed his head. Tony had long weathered Loki’s nightmares, his withdrawals, his anger and his acidic words. He’d stood through everything that made up Loki’s broken, brittle core and loved him all the same. He would stand here, ready to assist, uncaring of the flinch or the state of his lover’s mind. He simply loved Loki and wanted to help him.

Tony had made Loki feel, for the longest time, as if he could be worthy of happiness, as if there was something good inside him if he was able to gain Tony’s love - but it was a fallacy; a cruel joke of the universe; giving him a taste of true joy only to snatch it away the moment he was able to believe it. 

“Loki?” Tony called, the concern in his voice growing. 

It was the perfect time, the perfect moment to confess and to show Tony the truth. He could reveal the monster and watch Tony retreat. He could nod softly and accept when Tony withdrew his agreement of the apple and his courtship of Loki. He could slip from Tony’s life and gaze at him from afar until mortality took his bright, beautiful love from this world.

But the thought was agonising, and Loki was weak, so very weak.

“I’ll be fine, Tony,” Loki whispered, unable to look at his lover as he lied for one of the few times in their partnership.

When he felt Tony very gently rest a hand on his back, Loki shuddered but didn’t withdraw. Rather, he leant back into his lover’s touch and sighed shakily when Tony pressed against his side and wrapped an arm around his back, holding him close.

Loki felt his eyes sting but kept them tightly closed.

 _He should not have to embrace a monster_ , his mind whispered cruely, but Loki kept his lips firmly sealed over the truth.

 _A few days_ , Loki promised himself. _I will... I will only keep him for a few more days._

It was his single reprieve, his single selfish wish to hold onto his happiness for a few moments longer. He knew it wouldn’t be enough, but it was all Loki had.

* * *

The days that followed were hard.

He wavered between being barely able to touch Tony and hording every hug and pressing soft kisses to the top of his head. 

Tony knew something was wrong, it was impossible for him to be oblivious to it and Loki could see the mounting concern in his lover’s expression but Loki couldn’t admit what was wrong. He couldn’t admit that the end of their relationship was only moments away.

And it made the days painful. 

It had Loki shying from Tony’s kisses and doing nothing more than holding him tight when they went to bed at night. He also locked himself in his magic room and made himself learn how to remove his Aesir guise. He made himself _look_ at his hand, cold, blue and horrific. 

The monster. 

Tony was going to be disgusted by him.

The thought of seeing that horror, that revulsion; it was a slow fracture to his heart. It was an eventual shatter that Loki knew was inevitable. Yet he tried so hard to hold onto Tony for a little longer. It was still only three days after Tony had found him in the bathroom that his lover ended his chances of avoidance. 

Tony was sitting on the edge of their bed when Loki came into their room after hours locked in his magic room. Tony looked up at Loki with sad and worried eyes before he quietly asked, “If you’re going to tell me you couldn’t get a golden apple, can you just get it over with?”

Loki’s eyes widened. “Tony-”

“It sucks, okay,” Tony hurried to say, even standing up and jittering with repressed frustration. “But we can figure something out. There’s got to be other ways to extend my life, right?”

Loki shook his head slowly, feeling a fresh wave of pain as he heard his lover choose him again, and for the last time.

“The apple has been granted,” Loki made himself say around a dry mouth. “You merely - _we_ merely must go to Idunn’s gardens and... take it.”

Tony frowned. “Wait, so then,” his confusion shifted back to his original worry, “what’s wrong, Loki? You’ve been freaking out since Thor came back I thought you couldn’t...” he trailed off and frowned, “but if we got it, then I don’t understand what happened?”

 _I can no longer hide this_ ; the truth pressed down on him, impossible to avoid or deny.

Letting out a heavy, shaky breath, Loki did his best to compose himself while gesturing for Tony to move back to the bed. “Sit down, Tony.”

Tony’s distress was only growing even as he complied. He took a wary seat and gave a tight smile, joking weakly, “This isn’t the part where you tell me I have to turn the Iron Man armour green to match my husband, is it?”

 _Blue would be more accurate_ , a bitter, silent part of him remarked and it made Loki cringe. 

Tony instantly took it the wrong way. “Sorry, shouldn’t joke, serious moment. Just, you know, trying to lighten the mood that is really starting to make me panic.”

Loki could see it too; the wide eyes, the twitching hands that wanted to grasp Loki. The faint fidgeting that indicated that his lover want to pace; Tony was never _still_ when he worried, but he was trying to, because Loki had asked him to.

It had Loki suck in a breath and make himself say it in a single, flat breath. “This is not my true form.”

Tony was silent for a long moment and Loki could only stare at the ground, unable to hold his lover’s eyes. 

“What do you mean by that?” Tony eventually asked, the words coming out carefully.

Loki pulled in short, quick breath before forcing out the words. “This,” he gestured with jerking motions at himself, “is an illusion adopted to become... one of the Aesir. I am,” he gritted his teeth. “I am a Jotnar, a _frost giant_ and I...” he trailed off, grinding his teeth. “You deserve to _know_ this before you... before you commit to me.”

Loki’s breath was coming out roughly by the time he was finished. He didn’t even realise his hands were shaking until Tony’s warm ones were covering his own. It made Loki jerk slightly and glance up at his lover. Tony was watching him cautiously but with soft concern as his eyes darted over Loki’s face. 

“I didn’t know you had another form,” Tony told him quietly, making Loki’s shoulders hunch, but Tony just squeezed his hands again. “But does it have any bearing on our relationship? Does it... matter?”

Loki blinked, feeling thrown by the words. “Does it not bother you to know that you do not see me as I am?”

“But I do see you as you are,” Tony told him gently. “I see _you_ , Loki; my lover and partner. If you want me to see your other form, that’s fine, but if this is how you prefer to look, that’s fine too.” He stroked his thumbs over Loki’s hands gently. “I love you, however you look.”

Loki let out a painful, hitched breath and couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and pressing his forehead to Tony’s; drawing in the comfort of his lover's touch. He still couldn't fully believe it and he whispered hoarsely, “You don’t know that. You’ve never... never seen the...”

“The?” Tony prompted patiently when Loki trailed off.

“The monster,” he whispered, feeling Tony stiffen. It made Loki close his eyes tightly. “It is not... not _attractive_ , it is horrible.” He better grasped his lover’s hands and admitted with aching honesty, “I can’t bear to see your disgust.”

“Hey,” Tony whispered, shifting to brush a feather-light kiss over Loki’s lips. “Firstly; I don’t care what you look like, I am _never_ going to call you a monster, and I don’t like hearing you say it either. _Secondly_ ,” Tony continued, overriding the small sound of protest Loki made, “if you don’t ever want me to see that form, I won’t _ever_ look, alright? But it takes a lot to disgust me.” He shifted just enough so Loki could see his small smile. “You’ve seen some of Dum-E’s smoothies; I don’t even blink.”

Loki couldn’t stop his small huff of laughter, remembering the numerous occasions with Tony's strange little robot - but it still wasn’t enough to make Loki relax or smile. “It’s not the _same_.”

“Okay, maybe it’s not,” Tony admitted. He also rubbed his thumbs soothingly over Loki’s hands. “Do you want to describe yourself to me?” Loki flinched violently and Tony instantly made a soothing noise. “Shh, okay, that’s fine too. You don’t have to.”

Loki shook his head, his voice coming out rough. “You deserve to know-”

“No. Stop.” Tony insisted, his voice firm and Loki quieted. “I understand that you think I need to see this, but I also think this is a big enough step for one day. I think right now, we just need to relax for a bit.” 

He stood slowly, keeping his hands on Loki’s even as he moved them to the left side of the bed. Loki didn’t have it in him to resist as Tony let go of one of his hands to pull back the covers before they were climbing down on top of the mattress. Tony was instantly curling in close to him; wrapping Loki in his arms and resting his head against Loki’s chest.

It was only when they were settled together that Loki felt able to admit, “I worried that you would recoil - that you would leave.” Loki closed his eyes. “Thor feared it too. He wanted... wanted me to tell you before you took the apple.”

Tony made a small sound; somewhere between a hiss and a growl. “Well, I think both of you underestimate how much of an immovable object I am.” Tony gripped Loki tighter to further underline his words. “Tentacles, horns, Lovecraftian creature of the deep; I don’t fucking _care_ ,” Tony hissed. “I love you, Loki.”

Loki swallowed thickly, wanting so desperately to believe that, but how could he dare?

Yet, his love’s determination, his touch, comfort and _care_ , it made Loki feel brave. He unwound one arm and slowly, painfully slowly, he let his hand lose its Aesir pale and turn cobalt blue. It took only a moment for Tony to notice the temperature difference and glance over. He sucked in a small breath, his eyes slightly wide as he stared. Loki felt panic begin to take a hold of his heart as he worriedly watched his lover.

“Okay,” Tony said, barely a moment after seeing it. “That is a beautiful shade of blue. So no, I am not recoiling anytime soon.” 

Loki felt nothing but pure, desperate relief wash over him like a wave. He closed his eyes and began to breathe easier. He had only allowed his true skin to go up to his forearm, but he was willing to explain more. He was daring to believe this would be okay.

Opening his eyes, he looked down at Tony who was still eyeing his skin with curiosity. “It is like this all over, but my eyes... my eyes are red.”

Tony pulled his gaze away from Loki’s arm to hold the mage’s eyes. His expression was full of nothing but warmth and love; the two things that Loki had thought would be lost the moment Tony knew, the moment he _saw_ what lay beneath. 

“You’re still my Loki to me,” Tony promised gently. “I’ll still take the apple; still _choose_ you, because this doesn’t change how much I love you.”

The words were said without a hint of a lie and Loki gave a full body shudder. He returned his hand to its Aesir guise if only so he could cup Tony’s face in both palms and draw him into a deep and desperately relieved kiss. Tony responded back instantly, leaning into his touch and humming against his lips. He was as affectionate, passionate, _loving_ as always and Loki had to break them apart to gasp.

He looked into his lover’s eyes and felt the tension and fear start to fade for the first time in days. “My Tony,” he whispered, kissing the man’s jaw then his cheek and his forehead, “my love.” He closed his eyes and buried his face in Tony’s hair. “ _Thank you_.”

“Nothing to thank, Loki,” Tony assured him, kissing Loki’s cheek and then his lips. Tony then shifted to cuddle Loki close, his head resting contently on Loki’s shoulder as he repeated firmly, “Nothing at all.”

And with his lover in his arms--unflinching and without a hint of disgust--Tony actually made him start to believe that.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, obviously it's not solved completely in a single confession scene.
> 
> I believe they totally have a cuddlefest/stay in bed/fall asleep and in the morning Tony kisses Loki and Loki doesn't shy from him. Loki is receptive for the first time in days because Tony knows what he looks like but is still choosing to touch and kiss and want him. So they sleep together, soft and loving and beautiful and curl up in bed in the aftermath with Loki relaxed for the first time in fucking weeks as he knows it's okay, Tony still loves him and they spend the morning in bed, happy and in love, and with their future still ahead of them.
> 
> And Tony will of course help Loki through his body issues and convince him it's not as bad as he thinks (because Loki will worry here and there and Thor will worry until Tony tells him, "HE'S NOT A MONSTER, THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE, STFU OR IMMA REPULSOR YOU IN THE CROTCH, IDC YOU'RE MY FUTURE BROTHER-IN-LAW".)
> 
> Obviously they do go get an apple and commit fully and totally and live together for a long and happy forever. And Tony will see Loki's full jotun form at some point because Loki needs the 100% proof Tony is okay with it and Tony knows Loki needs that too. Tony will of course still love and kiss him, and kinda wanna fuck him like that too, but he's saving that comment until Loki's more accepting of himself. Which takes a while, but they do manage it. (The accepting, that is, although, the sex happens too ;P) AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY. THE END.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, can I just say, there should be a petition to make "Tony Stark Is a Good Boyfriend" a popular tag on ao3 because he _is_ a good boyfriend, damn it, and this should be common! Lol.


End file.
